give me good answers...

so here i am. still trying to find answers. do i have to dig graves to find someone loyal or someone who's worth my time? this may sound cocky, but i'm the best boyfriend in the world, and i'm fucking proud that i'm aware of such thing. i'm loyal to the bones!! i fall hard that i allow myself to be dumb at times. if i love i love with everything that makes me and that there are times that i get stupid and shit. we must learn from those fucking players. times when pain is too much to handle that i want revenge or i want to be numb that i try to be a bad person but i just can't 'coz i respect woman. why?? maybe because i have 3 gurl siblings and because i love my mom so much coz`she's so strong that i don't want to make the same mistakes as of my freakin father who was freaking weak that he almost destroyed my sanity. my mother taught me alot of things. i can say that there are times that she really made a shit on my life but then she gave me strength 'coz when that time when our family was on the verge of breaking up she faced it and she forgave my father. my father is not the best father in the world but when he chose to fight and stayed with our family he gained my respect. he even gave me an advice that i can't forget but i know i will not take that fucking advice 'coz i know i'm way much smarter than he is!! fuck im being cocky again. he told me "ang lalake magpaka lalake!" - it's one way of telling me that males are bound to make mistakes. coz we are a fucking slave with lust. and i don't believe him. in my mind i said to myself that "i don't want to be like you". i want to be with one person. i want to give it all even if it hurts. call me a fucking romantic and shit but i really believe in fairytales- that we all end up with the right person if we choose to- but fuck! it's not fairytales heheheheh nowadays it's really hard to find someone loyal. hmmm... forgive me on this; but i know somewhere somehow somebody's going to appreciate me. im being positive!! it's my freakin downfall hahahaha tell me i'm wrong. i believe that somebody out there is as loyal as i am and i being an idealist! bad thing. i have to be realistic...help me help myself. hahaha no, don't! i can walk all by myself heheheh

LEARN!!!

im in pain.
it's really funny how pain makes us aware of alot of things that we don't even bother to look at when we're happy with our own little world. pain makes us appreciate the good things in this life, the minute things that we don't even bother to look at 'coz we're to pre-occupied with our "own vanity" that we get too insensitive at the little things that we're supposed to value. we are too absorbed with our own shit that we think that we're such a victim when somebody else out there is loosing some limbs and somebody out there is positive enough to think about life despite the cancer that's eating them insid out-physically and emotionally. so here's my point. pain brings out the best in us. best in the sense that we get to see reality first-hand and we try to fight it immaturely at times but then we learn from it(hopefully!!) whether we like it or not. we must know that whether what pain that we are going through it's really up to us if we move on, or not. of course we know what's the best choice, but then again the best choices is always the hardest thing to do. it's always easy to be easy! hahah fuck this line but it's true. it's always easy not to face things, not to face reality. 'coz it's always easy to be HAPPY...temporarily. now if you get me, it's really up to us if we choose temporary bliss or a lifetime of happiness. if we choose the hard part we get all the reward(s) in the end and that's far more greater than the temporary happiness that we get with those people who don't appreciate us. so think, but not too much. just learn from our mistakes and try to be the best of who we are with those people who appreciate's the litul things that we do. carpe diem!! =)
godspeed to us all.

SIP.POINT.SMILE =)

i like it when you're quiet with your coffee.SIP.the taste of friendship on our lips.
i like it when you show me how things work.POINT.the world so tangled and abused.
i like it when you like what i like.SMILE.the world is ours for tonight.

when the feeling closed

in my dreams im running out on my bare feet
stumbling as i search for a good sleep
must grab something that i just can't reach
come now slap my face
break my fingers and make me feel
i have to wake up from this nightmare
someone anyone
let me hear that sound
whispers of a ghost long gone
take me far away from this land
coz reality is gone
let me fade as i reach for that hands
let it all in and let it take over my system
stop the beat and kill every passion
it's always been with me and im tired with the beating
now do what you have to do as i lay myself to rest

embrace the waveS =)

ill wait for the waves to crash on my face
coz everybody's too numb to care
i just have to feed myself
with the things that makes sense
ill move on by myself
it's always the case
always the case
note the feeling and feel the drizzle
as i listen to our conversations
moments i have to let go
starting now
i have to drown that pretty feelings in my chest
i'm a veteran on this
sad to say but sometimes it's just easy if we don't care
and now i have to choose the easy way
coz when i felt the waves on my face
i know it isn't for me
'coz when fate is always for us to choose
we both chose the same, but on opposite directions
we talked and then we turned at each others back
coz there's nothing more to lose
there's nothing more to lose
nothing more to lose
more to lose...if we stay with the honesty that our heart tells us to
so just let go
embrace the waves and let it eat you.

just move....

start a race on your own
draw a line and step beyond it
you don't have to run
just lift that foot and move forward
one...two...three steps will do
take a rest and wait for tomorrow
another day to face
don't look at the footprints u left
make new ones with your good friends
now move a lil bit faster
put more effort and look how far you've been
you must be proud of yourself
give urself a reward
one...two..three beers will do
another day ends
tomorrow it's going to be OK
wait...
before you sleep
breathe
one...two...three...
sleep in silence
there's still a long way to go....................................

rewind, erase, then make an exit =)

i was planning things and now it's going nowhere
could've been a day like nothing else
we just can't keep things forever
once again, im going to act on this
as always
its for me to face
and your hands to reach
i thought i had something
i never knew it was nothing to begin with
just a memory waiting to be erased
as always
its all about someone's face
and the lies we created along the way
it's for me to face
and for your hands to reach
coz sometimes when we just cant breathe
we just have to kill part of ourselves
to give new life, to build a new hope
with somebody else
somebody else worthy to erase time with
this i have to face =)

we love, we bleed, one and the same...

i have to take what's left of me
down with the promises you made while you're away
head bent as i walk in circles
i hope i made the right choice
stuck in the moment waiting for things to sink in
i tried to charge myself with the cigarette that im holding
suck it in and let it linger
wrap my heart with nicotine and let it settle
for id rather have a disease to battle
than to look at your face every single hour
id rather die from within
than to make a scar on my skin
you wouldn't know if im hurting
so let me rest for a while as i try to figure out why im alone with myself.
godspeed to us all.

sunny days at dumsville

everytime im out with the new breed of hardcore drunkards in dumaguete i always share to them the days when i was with a group of superhardcoredrunkards who call themselves brilliant bums. i'm not proud of the way they drink beer like it's fresh buko juice, but im proud of the way they handle themselves when they get drunk. ow. wait. forget bout that. im proud bout the way they handle their studies despite their hectic schedules. to wake up early in the morning to attend class and stay up late and get drunk is not an easy thing to do but it seems that they perfected the kung-fu style routines. i miss them. its not the perfect group but its, by fact, a group filled with imperfect people who admits to themselves that they are not perfect but when theyre all together it seems that the world is just as perfect as they perceive it to be.
at first i thought they were just the typical college students who are just bored with their lives and are just hungry for companionship. you cant blame me for thinking that way coz every single day their faces are at el amigo, a place where a striving student can get a cheap beer and if one has coins to spare then one can get peanuts to further feed the hunger caused by boredom. they were there almost everyday- loud and wild. at times you can see them laughing their asses off with a language everbody calls the "gay linggo" which is a familiar phenomenon in dumaguete; and sometimes with an invented language- the "papipapipapi language" as what id like to call it- is as hard to decode as the "gay lingo". and their are times you can see them silently staring at each other, sometimes with tears falling from their tired eyes down to their beer which they drink without bothering with the new found taste. one must know that no matter what the mood was there's always a good conversation to expect. topics sprung up like weeds; and as senses are heightened (you know why!!!!) one must expect a heated conversation, a shocking confession or an argument between soon to be philosopher's of this tangled world.
it's funny how they can catch up with every word and laugh as if they were the only customers at el ams. that was my first impression of these wonderful personalities that crossed my path when i was hungry for real conversations. then i get to know each and everyone by heart. i started to understand their bond. its not just the beer but the things they share and the things they learn from each other's stories -its life at progress. everytime i talk to one of them,or the group itself, i get a new insight of life or the more dreadful word for it -REALITY. i learned that they were as weak as i am- prone to temptation and anger brought by god knows what. i also learned that they strive hard to be better-sometimes failing, most of the time just dealing and moving on which is a gud sign. some of us has the same storylines. movies with the same scripts but with different characters. i saw patterns from our stories. characters were made. plots was discovered. schemes decoded and solved for peace of mind. i'm not alone afterall, i said to myself.
everyday we meet to share stories,with the beer between us, and just savor the company. fast forward.... finals came and i was there when they cried coz they were afraid that they wont get their diplomaS and still they were drinking. i even found out that they were supposed to pass their final requirements the following day. i bid them goodluck. graduation came and there they were. cum laude..awards here and there...i was shocked. shocked coz i never thought they can get the top spot because of their drinking habits. there i was shocked and proud. this is so long of a blog. i will end this by saying thankYOU for each and everyone of you guys. you inspire me. thankYOU for the stories and for being real. i miss all of you.

one two take me to the zo0; three four take me on tour; five six.....

I
she pulls me in my dreams
and she leads me into reality
that life is not as perfect as i thought it is
but it can perfect when i want it to be

II
when temper strikes she patiently waits for me to calm down
hands held tight under the dark clouds
she stares at me with those eyes
waiting for me to realize that im not right

III
nobody ever waited for me like this
nobody was patient enough to stay at my side when im crazy with the demons inside my head

IV
now i know why i stayed
its because i found something that i thought is dead
its this thumb marks embedded at my neck
the bruises on my cheeks
the anger that consumed me long before
the smiles that took me by surprise
its the simple things that makes me who i am
that died when i thought life is just a time to kill and pass by

V
now that i know its as precious as your smile
i have to stand up and give it my best shot
on mornings when i dont want to get up
at times when i try to hold time
its your face that flashes and reminds me that i have to get on and start my day with a smile

VI
hilom na!!! hug ko hehehehe

ink

let it flow let it flow

breathe with your emotions

and let it be your guide

to places where you feel vulnerable

light a torch and search for the light

now grab that device and channel your anger

hold that memories and let it linger

at the tip of your fingers where everything feels safe

nothing's more refreshing than a familiar scene

put it down into words and remember every detail

from castles to ashes 

a pail filled with nails

bruises that speaks of happiness

to the world beyond our limits

purple skies and falling stars

the pyramids and its secrets

acquire the key of knowledge 

and unlock life's secrets

drifter signing out :p